took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
