The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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