going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
