Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
