Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
