I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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