Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
