I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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