Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
