This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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