there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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