You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
