My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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