oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
