I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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