I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
