WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
