i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
