drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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