I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
