I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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