i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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