$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
