We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
