I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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