bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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