what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
