Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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