just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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