hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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