It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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