Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
