I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
