i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
