I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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