I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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