have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
