my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
