so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
