two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
