i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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