Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
