They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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