Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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