Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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