Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
