and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
