I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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