I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
