Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
